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How to be a Shit Whisperer Part II: Bloating, Wiping & Being a Public Poop Phobe

If you’ve been following my work, you’ll know that I love talking about shit. It is such a taboo subject, but one that certainly deserves more attention. It’s also the reason why I’m doing a TED talk on the subject and why Part I of “How to be Shit Whisperer” was so well received. Because while it’s a dirty little subject, it’s also one that strikes up curiosity about what our own mother load has to say about our health. So if you feel tempted to undo your button, wipe excessively or are a public poop phobe prairie dogging it until you’re able to go home, then listen up! This post is for you.

Talking shit is difficult for both sexes but primarily women. Feeling the urge at the office must be avoided in fear that maybe the grand poopa of work comes strolling in to have a tinkle. After all, the second the she hears your beloved bomb drop and smells the unpleasant odor waft in the air, she’ll never see you the same. Because after all, the Grand Poopa doesn’t shit, right? Wrong and here is why you need to come clean and proudly pinch a loaf the next time you’re in the lou:

Why you need to stop being a Public Poop Phobe

If you’re anything like Shit Break from American Pie, you need to stop. Why: because realize that your blood capillaries are attached to your large intestine. This means that every time you hold in your product of Uranus, your blood capillaries suck up the toxins of your brown wonder to be reabsorbed. If this doesn’t make sense to you, think of fish swimming in dirty water as an analogy to your cells. Fish will die in dirty water as your cells will die off in dirty blood. So to avoid cell death and feeling toxic, stop holding in your shit. Remember folks, it’s better out than in.

Wiping

I’m surprised at how many practitioners never ask this question, because it’s a major one for me in practice. How many wipes after you drop the bomb is an indication whether there’s a lot of mucous in the colon. So my rule of bum is that you should be wiping no more than three times. Anything more would indicate a lot of mucous in the colon from mucous forming foods (dairy, gluten, etc.), processed foods or too much drinking. So to keep our pipes clean, add in some fibre (psyillum, chia seeds, etc.) to brush those intestines and remember to drink your 2L of room temperature water daily.

Bloating

I find this topic to be quite interesting because there are many factors behind it. First, there’s the crucial factor about having enough stomach fire (also known as hydrochloric acid). Drinking ice-cold water before a meal will weaken that digestive fire making it hard to break down food – especially protein. Plus an absence of stomach fire will impair our ability to turn on energizing vitamins like B12. Without this stomach fire we automatically bloat. Another factor behind this is stress. The more stress we’re under, the less stomach acid we’ll have to digest our food. You see because when we’re stressed, our body goes into a fight or flight mode. We don’t have time to digest! We need to put all our energy into running away from that bear that’s chasing us! In other words, our bodies will utilize our energy as it deems fit within that moment for our own survival. So the next time you’re stressed, have something small and focus on your breathing. Calm down, sit and relax. Give yourself that moment to gather yourself before you sit down to eat. Because eating on the go when your mind is focused on the stress of getting somewhere on time is not going to help you digest, period.

So in the meantime, wipe for good measure, not for excess, eat mindfully and proudly pinch out that loaf the next time you’re in a public washroom. After all, the answers to your health can be found by not only opening up your third eye, but brown star.

Happy pooping everyone.

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