How to be a true Brazilian.
Please let me preface this entry and tell you, I am not a masochist. And while some people like pleasure and pain together, I am not an extremist in this department. In fact, before I left for NYC, I made a conscious effort to treat myself with a sumptuous dessert on my mental health day and also go for a manicure and pedicure. However, last minute I decided to get a wax for the first time…because how could I ever claim to be part Brazilian otherwise?
[Queue: f#@! damn sh@% piss f#!%!!]
It all began when I was escorted into a world of torture by a 4” woman in a white coat who I could barely understand. She barked at me to lay down.
Smoothing hot wax over my legs, I took a sigh enjoying the warm sticky wax slathered on my shins.
Ahhh, this is exactly what I….DONKEY F@!#
Suddenly this little woman turned into a monster giggling as she tore into each leg.
OH EM GEE. She hasn’t even gotten to my **whistle**, I thought.
Immediately grabbing out my iPhone I reached out for support texting any girlfriend of mine who would listen in the hopes that maybe they’d help me discover an iPhone app that could remove hair at an affordable and pain-free price.
I took a major sigh once my legs were done but then I realized what was next as she sprinkled baby powder and then slapped on the warm wax. I screamed more profanity involving religious figures, animals and mothers across the nation and then she began to blow me. Literally, she blew cold hair through her small lips after marvelling at the work she had done. I could only see stars.
Suddenly, the torture stopped as I was advised by the little monster to come back because my “Pooooosieeee hair too shot”
Yes ladies and gentleman, the woman used the “P” word to describe my **whistle**
Mortified yet slightly relieved I got up and took one look at myself in the mirror. My was a hair a mess, my mascara smeared underneath my eyes and my **whistle** looking like Rudolph the red nose reindeer sporting a stash.
Who on earth invented this? Oh ya right, my people.
Well here is something my people did right…Sexy Brazilian Breaded Bananas.
SEXY BRAZILIAN BREADED BANANAS
(photo to come)
2 bananas cut in quarters
2 eggs beaten
1 cup panko crumbs or other bread crumbs
2 tbsp coconut oil
1 tsp rapadura sugar
Cashew whip topping
½ cup cashews
Water as needed
Maple syrup as needed
Roll bananas in eggs and coat in bread crumbs. Set aside. In melted coconut oil over medium heat, add in quartered bananas and gently turn as each side browns. Remove from pan and let cool on a plate lined with paper towel. Sprinkle sugar on top (optional) and blow torch until crispy.
To make whip, add cashews into a small mini chopper until it’s ground to as fine as possible. Add in water slowly until you get a thick creamy paste (this shouldn’t be too liquidy). Add in maple syrup to taste and a pinch of salt. Use this to top on bananas and serve.
The typical way to serve breaded bananas in Brazil is with steak – not exactly healthy. It’s not exactly ideal to combine high-sugar fruit and protein, so I decided to just make this childhood favourite of mine a dessert on its own with a dairy-free topping. Bananas while I always choose organic (click here to see why) are highly nutritive and the sweetness of it always makes me feel like I’m being a little bad but good all at the same time.
Here’s a golden tid bit for you: Kosmea’s Rose Hip Oil. Not only do I use this on my face every night in the hopes that someone cards me at the liquor store tomorrow, but in this scenario, it worked like a charm for the redness and inflammation down there. Couple this with some banana loving (meaning my recipe above) and a little comic relief and you got a magical remedy for the mind, body and soul.
Move over Giselle, there’s a new kitty in town…er with a brand new haircut.