I could hear him this morning. His little feet running barefoot down my floors and letting out little giggles as he’d hide around the corner. I’ll admit, in the past, I didn’t like Cupid. In fact, I felt that his shooting technique flat out sucked as I fell in love consistently with the wrong men blinded by adoration that was short-lived. I couldn’t understand how a successful, attractive, funny (and yes modest) girl like myself could consistently date the wrong guys. Was I just “crazy” the word that many men carelessly throw around? Whatever the case was, cupid was back and now being engaged I suppose he was here to gloat and maybe even expect a thank you for finally getting it right. So since today is Valentine’s Day, I wanted to give you the top lessons I’ve learned about love, chocolate and sex.
It’s okay to want to find love
There is truly nothing more irritating then someone telling you to stop looking. Wanting love doesn’t make you desperate it just makes you human. In fact humans thrive off of companionship and I can understand why anyone would want it. But here’s the caveat, ask yourself why you want it, because the answer, “so I can get married” doesn’t cut it. Which brings me to…
Marriage is not your golden ticket
I’m pretty open about the fact that I’ve almost previously walked down the aisle and that it didn’t work. This wasn’t because I was scared to get married, but rather that I didn’t want to marry if I wasn’t love. Marriage isn’t the answer to happiness and neither is having babies. The smoke machines, big rings and fancy dresses are great, but the quality is about what happens after the wedding. Too often I see people who have children and forget about their husbands and wives. So let me tune you into on a piece of advice my mother (who has been happily married to my father for over 45 years) gave me. You may disagree, but I think it’s a powerful piece of words: “Melissa, when you’re married, your husband comes first, not your children. If your children come first you crack the foundation that they were built on.” And truthfully, while I don’t plan on having children, I believe in her words 100%.
It’s okay to schedule sex
I know a lot of people will groan at the idea of scheduling sex because maybe it takes out the magical juju of the whole shebang, but its saves my relationship. My partner and I have completely opposite schedules, so we need to schedule time for one another. If we don’t its easy for me to get consumed by my work and then both of us will end up feeling distant and possibly resentful. Plus I’ve learned sex is like an engine: warm it up, start it up and turn it on often. The more you do so, the more you’ll want it. Oh and maca powder is quite possibly my favourite libido booster – just ask my fiancé.
1⁄4- 1⁄3 cup coconut oil
1⁄3 cup cacao powder
Pinch chili flakes
Pinch sea salt
2-3 tbsp hemp hearts
1 tsp maca powder
Handful chopped mixed nuts
Maple syrup to sweeten
Optional rocket fuel: gogi berries, cacao nibs
Melt coconut oil over medium heat. Once melted, remove from stove and whisk in cacao powder until well combined. Add chili flakes, sea salt, hemp hearts and chopped mixed nuts. Combine well. If the mixture begins to thicken too much, add more coconut oil. Add to a large baking sheet and even out by moving pan around. Put in the freezer for 10 minutes and you’ll be ready to break off pieces, as you want them.
A man is not your ticket to financial freedom.
Living in Toronto as a single gal for years who really had to hustle was not easy. I mean sure it’s tempting to find someone who will float your boat and smack a Benz emblem on it, but its not your answer. I think far too often we idealize situations especially with a partner not realizing that it comes with drawbacks. Will you feel devalued because you’re relying on someone else? Will your insecurities be heightened because he’s controlling the financial reigns? Think about it, the drawbacks are there.
Relationships are not 50/50
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that relationships are when you take 40% and give 60%. And every time I follow this rule with my huz-to-be, he gives back even more because he feels appreciated. Taking someone for granted is easy when you’re in a relationship for a while. It’s not out of malicious intent, its just that life happens and you forget about the people closest to you. So keep to this rule and I guarantee you those bitter feelings will soon wash away.
Totally cliché I know, but seriously love yourself. Book time to date yourself because if you don’t, it’ll never happen. I’ll take Bodhi for a walk, go to the bookstore or take myself out for brunch and read a book. It’s me time and it makes me happier. Oh and don’t forget to masturbate. Because while saying the word sounds so dirty, its actually one of the best ways to de-stress, gain clarity, look younger and yes get your rocks off. But here's a tip: Breathe through your orgasms to allow the Qi to circulate freely, otherwise you’ll roll over and be completely spent. Sex should energize you, not deplete you.
Giving back is one of my passions and soon I’ll be unveiling a new nonprofit project that will help empower and help women (stay tuned for that). But in the meantime, I urge you this Valentine’s Day to put your money towards loving someone who needs it. Pick an organization and donate even $10. Your love can go further than you think.
So there you have it, lessons in love, sex and chocolate. In the meantime, I’ll playfully give that little Cupid bugger a good squeeze around his chubby arms not because I finally found love, but that all those so-call bad relationships brought me where I am today.
Wishing you a happy Valentine's day everyone,