Stopping the World for a Second to Breathe

Make it stop…

…make the world stop spinning for just a second please.

Just when I fell hopelessly in love…it ended.

So much has gone on in the last several days that I’d rather not express it here because of both the complexity and believe it or not, to maintain some privacy and respect. All I can say is that as I lie down and close my eyes I wish things turned out differently between the Intellect and I. And after just a year and a half ago of starting over from leaving my fiancé, I can hardly imagine having the strength to do it all over again. I haven’t been able to eat or sleep much and it’s hard to stand on wobbly legs So with the future seeming so uncertain, I have to wonder, how I can make the world stop for just a moment to breathe…

It amazes me how in just a second, life can pull the rug right from underneath you. Everything seemed relatively fine. I mean, granted, we had our issues as most couples would, but then it was if a bomb exploded and everything around me fell to pieces…the pain…unimaginable. I came home for the first time last night after sleeping and crying in the arms of my friends and family. As I jiggled my key to open my door, I remember the Intellect moved out and now…I was alone. The silent as I entered was like hitting a wall…it was deafening. So I began to cry out of pain, to fill space and hopefully try and free myself. I found myself intimidated as I walked to the bedroom which was filled with resonance of him. With great trepidation, I slipped under the covers and somehow couldn’t bring myself to spread out…instead, I stayed on my side. All I could do was put my hand on what use to be his pillow and remember…

I’m not the only one hurting and surely not the only one who finds it hard to breathe right now. I feel like as the world spins, I walk through it in a fog and say to myself:

Melissa, wash the crusted mascara from your face.
Melissa, go to school today…you’re just a month away from finishing.
Melissa…get up today.
Melissa…you are not to blame.

I have to admit, I have an amazing support from family and friends. They’ve taken me in when I shouldn’t have been alone and they’ve given me perspective that if this is meant to be, it will work out. Despite what’s happened, I know he’s hurting even though he may not express it like I do. And while some would tell me that I’m crazy and that I need to forget about him…I can’t just turn love off. This doesn’t mean that I forget, but I just need a second to catch my breath and somehow figure out what I matters to me and what I want. However, right now with emotions running high and a cluster fuck of a circumstance…I have no idea what to do. I’m just trying to put one step in front of the other. It’s like learning how to walk again …

So usually, I provide you with a recipe. However, I have no desire to whip something. But coming home, I came across some muffins that were on the counter that I made days ago for the Intellect and I. So I thought I’d share with you what I have been slowly eating:

BROKEN HEART ALMOND BANANA MUFFINS
2 cups ground almonds
1 ½ cups sliced or mashed organic banana
3 organic eggs
¼ cup fine coffee grind
¼ cup organic chocolate chips
½ cup unpasteurized honey
¼ cup coconut oil (warmed up to liquefy)
½ tsp sea salt
1/8 tsp baking soda
(Banana Chips for topping)

Preheat oven to 350F.
Mix all ingredients together in a bowl and spoon them out into a lined muffin tin container. Put in oven for half hour until the tops begin to brown a little. About 5 minutes before pulling them out, top with a banana chip. I forgot with mine, so I stuck it in after. Also, they won’t rise too much because there aren’t any grains in this recipe.

You’re probably wondering, what about flour? You don’t need it, so this is a quick and easy recipe that’s gluten and dairy free. Not to mention almonds helps to restore and nurture the body. They’re amazing for the nervous system and according to Ayurveda (East Indian Medicine) they help to calm Vata. Vata is a one of the constitutions and represents ether or air. The others are Pitta (fire constitution) and Kapha (water constitution). And typically, people are combinations of any of the three. Vata, when out of balance suffers from racing thoughts which represents an airy constitution of being stuck in your head. And certainly, that’s where I’m at right now.

So I wish I could give you more as to what happened. Or tell you that it’s going to be okay, but I can’t. I also can’t tell you how I’ve managed to stop the world from spinning. Instead, I followed the advice of a friend who at times can be a little too hippy for me. But this time I listened. He told me, go to the park and you’ll find grounding and possibly some solace there. So I did and concentrated on breathing from my abdomen versus the shallow breaths I’ve been taking. I realized there, that I can’t stop the world from spinning, but I can stop myself…and that is the only way to breathe.